being_mer

My views on early marriage are changing as I see that there can be no generalization about it cast upon an entire society made up of individual people.

I am not speaking to people who are not Christians; I'm talking about the Christian community. There has been far too much idealism sucked into marriage -- that marriage will be perfect, blissful, relationship, when in fact it will be hard at times, questioning the very facets of your character. But marriage also has the potential to sharpen character; adversity does that whether you're single or attached. And this whole waiting-for-sex thing has got to stop. Yes, abstinence is a biblical tenet and I follow it, but the way the church goes about encouraging obedience of that tenet is all wrong. Instead of saying, "Wait for sex until marriage; if you wait until marriage, God is going to make it so much pleasurable for you," we should be encouraging young Christians to realize how much hurt is involved when you get into sexual relationships without the commitment of marriage behind it. Sex is sex, and waiting until marriage isn't going to make it some glorious thing right away, simply because you waited. Your relationship may be blessed with less hurt because of waiting, but the biological act of intercourse will not magically be better. Sex is legit because it's sex and it feels good. But sometimes it takes a while for partners to sync to each other; the meantime is not always ideal. Setting up all these idealistic expectations is asking for disappointment and hurt. I'm all about abstinence and mature decision-making when it comes to marriage - but a general blanket rule of "no young marriage" is inappropriate for a mass society of different people. The church must do a better job of educating the younger generation about the realistic aspects of marriage, but also maintaining the goodness of marriage.

Mark Regnerus, in his article "The Case for Early Marriage", said it best when he concluded with this: "In sum, Christians need to get real about marriage: it's a covenant helpmate thing that suffers from too much idealism and too little realism. Weddings may be beautiful, but marriages become beautiful." To that I would add that not all marriages become beautiful, but they have the potential for beauty even amidst the adversity.

I was pretty stoked for Halloween this year.  Roommates and I carved pumpkins--they're adorable!  I bought a mini pumpkin and carved hearts into the side.  Other girls made some pretty rockin' designs, only to find that, by today, all of them have begun to shrivel up.  Mine looks like a stupid little raisin.  It's so pathetic looking.  Looks like the head of a shriveled old woman.  At least it was cute for one night.  As for costumes, I was gonna dress up as a bottle of sriracha -- the spicy red rooster sauce I eat on everything.  I was SO excited for it.

And then I caught the flu.

Inexplicably, I started sneezing and coughing in my 4:30p class on Tuesday, and by the time class was over (at 5:45), I could barely walk home.  Woke up the next morning with body aches, chills and an immense fever.  Couldn't function well.  Slept all day Wednesday, got out of bed for my night class, came home and went back to bed.  Suffered a ridiculous night of feverish non-sleep and weird dreams.  Woke up with more aches in places I didn't know could ache.  Drugged myself and went to the campus health clinic, they told me I had the flu, and they didn't rule out the piggy flu.  But they said that they only test for swine flu if you get checked into a hospital.  And she said they only send ppl to the hospital when they have a secondary bacterial infection or some kind of heart/lung disease.  So even with all that, she made me wear a mask out of the clinic.  Bahh. Last night I was FINALLY able to sleep all the way through, except for getting up around 5am to take some cough medicine.  Also, no fever.  Yay!  Hopefully my weekend won't be entirelyyyy altered.  There was to be a scary movie marathon tmrw night and I didn't want to miss it like I've had to miss everything else.  If my fever and symptoms continue to improve, I'll be fit to be around people by tmrw night.  I just really don't want to aggravate my symptoms and get all worse agaain.  What a miserable few days.  I seriously thought it was gonna be bronchitis all over again.. death.

We're getting into that age where everyone's getting engaged, but thankfully, my cousin just announced she's engaged!  She's 25, pretty normal age for engagement.  It helped put me into a proper perspective, and got me out of my cynical mood.  She's getting married and then moving with her new husband to London!  Wow.  

Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep my nose on my face and my lungs intact.
<3

Remind me, Lord, to never be tempted to design and earn my own salvation and thus cheapen your grace, but that I would wholly trust your power to turn me from a wretched being into a lovely one//<3

I'm avoiding my homework.  Have I really not posted since August 19th?  Wow.

Yes, so I started school.  And it's not exactly what I pictured it to be.  As in, it's not like any other year past - which I don't entirely mind.  I chalk it up to senioritis, fewer units, amazing boyfriend, new living situation, and senioritis.  Yup.

Graduating used to be this huge, looming thing that was happening "sometime in the future".  Well, the future is now.  And I'm trying not to think too much about it because people tend to put this huge, huge pressure on Graduation (yes, with a capital G) as if it symbolizes something, that it in itself is important.  Yes, I should be celebrated for completing four more years of education, but it's not like I'm embarking on my life - I've been living my life all along, and I'm going to keep on keeping on.  So while graduating is a big deal, graduation is not.  I used to feel all this pent up pressure like a tea kettle about to whistle but never getting the satisfaction.  Now, I've come to the realization that I don't have to figure out what I'm going to do for the rest of my life in the next eight months.  In fact, the reality of it is, I'm probably not gonna be doing the same thing for the rest of my life.  That realization took a lot off my plate.  I also realized that while getting married is a possibility, it doesn't have to be this huge, formidable thing.  Yes, it's one of the most important decisions of my life.  But getting married itself isn't such a huge pressure thing as I used to think it to be.  It's just another step in the rest of my life.

Okay, I'll do homework now.

As I've been in college my worldview has expanded, and my perspectives on hot-button issues have changed.  Instead of looking at political statements from a strictly moral standpoint, I now evaluate politics by looking at the relationship between the Consitution and ethics.  I think that's why this whole Sotomayor thing bugs me.  www.nytimes.com/2009/07/16/us/politics/16confirm.html

It's just irritating to me that, while each case does have specific issues that must be addressed, such as state law versus federal law, private interests, etc., Sotomayor should still have a specific stance on such important issues.  Things like this are not relative and not always case sensitive. Still, I understand the fact that while she's undergoing such rigorous interrogation she needs to maintain some amount of flexibility and ease with her opinions.  Granting abortion rights is one thing; her personal stance on abortion is another.  Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, said this: “Anybody who values life like I do and is pro-life recognizes that the way you change minds is not yell at people,” the senator said. “You love them.” He said this apologetically, post-protest from pro-life protesters.  Here's another excerpt from the NYT article: "Mr. Coburn observed that “we now record fetal heartbeats at 14 days post-conception. We record fetal brainwaves at 39 days post-conception.  We have this schizophrenic rule of the law where we have defined death as the absence of those, but we refuse to define life as the presence of those.”  It may be one thing - constitutionally - that a woman has rights over her own body.  But once the fetus begins to register heartbeat and brainwave patterns, it is no longer just a part of the woman--it becomes a self.  And this gets all sticky with people who are pro-choice but against Kevorkian-esque practices, or dealing with those who have lost abilities and become disabled.  I'm all for a woman's right to make choices over things that are a part of her self.  But once that fetus registers heartbeat/brainwave activity, it's no longer just her body.  If Sotomayor could take a stance one way or the other, whether or not I agree with her, I'd be far more celebratory--and pleased--about her potential appointment to the Supreme Court. 

Meanwhile, why does an abused woman from another country have to go through the ringer in order to get asylum in the US?  (www.nytimes.com/2009/07/16/us/16asylum.html )  It's good to know that Obama is starting to take steps to remove the process of granting asylum, but still; the principle of the issue remains.  I know there are other issues that conflict with immediate asylum, like population issues, etc... but there isn't necessarily an uncontrollable influx of battered women fleeing for the US.  Though it may be a considerable number, most women are too scared.  So.. am I missing something? 

anyone feeling generous?  anyone want to give me their money?

okay great.

I don't know why I continue to doubt God, esp. when He's provided for me so abundantly and frequently.  There has never been a day when I've actually starved.  There's days when I feel the pinch and feel like there's no way I'll make it to next month's rent, but never have I actually not been able to make it.  So why do I get this way?  Why do humans feel so ungrateful?  Why do we fear so much the little things?  Why do the little things become the big things when they should really just stay little? 

Why is it that sometimes I feel like I gain control over my monetary situation when I can calculate it all out on a piece of paper?  I never had control to begin with.  Everything I have is from God - he's given me the ability and the situation to work, and work hard, and as a result, I'm provided for.  Work was never my idea.  My personal industry and work ethic don't come from me.  I'm naturally lazy, probably.  I do what I like to do and force myself to do the rest.  I know what it takes to get things done and I do them, but not because I want to do them.  There's this otherness, this other force that obviously pushes me to do the unpleasant.

<3

...very talented, attractive, amazing boyfriend:



looking ridiculous.  hahaha.  breakdancers.

this is us together: 


not my best photo but you get the idea.  we are cute.

FINALLY.  stable, kind, sweet, hiliarous, kooky, fun, strong, humble.  knows what he wants and who he is and where he's at.

:)

so my physical therapist seems overly optimistic; he told me he thinks he can get back up and running in three weeks.  Seeing as how I can't even climb stairs right now without pain, this seems, as previously stated, way too optimistic.  no one but he seems to think that it'll work. 

we'll see the doc in a few weeks.

my hypoglycemia's been getting out of control.  good thing boyfriend bought me nature valley bars to last me forever. 

i had my first physical therapy session yesterday.  my therapist told me there's a slight chance my meniscus could heal itself, if given time.  its' a rare chance, but one i'm going to hold onto til it evaporates.  i'd much rather do that than the orthroscopic/lathroscopic surgery.  i was definitely the youngest patient there by at least 20 years.  it was great. but my muscles are already losing strength from not working out :( that was sad news.  it was also saddening to see that my injured leg is, like, at least 20% weaker than my right leg.  great.  but he showed me some helpful muscle movement techniques and taped up my knee -  that felt weird at first.  felt like my knee cap was moving around.  eventually, though, it relaxed.  then he plugged me in to these electrode things that feel like fingers massaging my knee, and then over that he placed a HUGE ice pack.  my knee went blissfully numb.  i limped out of there relaxed and cold, with an appt for friday morning.  thankfully, insurance will cover 10 sessions. this is good because i am poor - at least, poor enough not to afford $100 sessions.

hoping to drive up north for a weekend, maybe stop by melanie's shakespeare fest.  that'd be funnn.  the only reason i would go is for her -- not a huge fan of shakespeare festivals in general.  <3

when did that happen??

okay, so life.  daria came back from kuwait for a few glorious days.  i feel like, in the 24 hours i got to verbally process with her, i was able to gain more of a foothold on my own identity crisis of the past year than i have been able to since she left.  maybe my problems needed time to marinate in my heart before they could be fully realized as what they were.  but they have become weres and not ares.  

it's impossible to remember everything that's happened in the past month, which is probably why i should do this more often.  helps me track my own life since my memory's capacity is slowly shrinking.

after a month of annoying pain in my left knee while running,  i went to the doctor.  he's a nice man, very gentle with me.  i thought he was a general practitioner but when i got in there and told him my history, was surprised to learn that his specialty and interests lie in sports medicine.  lucky for me!  he did a physical exam of the area and then did xrays and blood tests.  he came back with some not-so-good news.  i tore my meniscus, my acl (in both knees) is thinning, and the joint area in my left knee has narrowed extremely, leaving bone to rub upon bone -- essentially, it as if i have the knee joint of a 50 year-old, he said.  my options?  eventual knee replacement surgery, possible physical therapy, probable orthroscopic surgery, and no running.  when he told me all of this, it hit me like a swift punch in the stomach.  running had become my freedom, the one time i felt completely relaxed; it was the one remotely athletic thing i liked.  now i can't even do that anymore.  when i asked him if i'd be able to run again, he said, "Maybe you should try swimming or biking instead."  Great.

ive come to terms.  im currently looking for a bike and trying to muster up the desire to start swimming.  ive been walking a lot.  it's hard not to feel ungrateful, though, and even though ive come to terms with not being able to run again, it's still ironic to me that when i see a healthy 50-year-old out for a run on a beautiful evening, i can't do the same thing.

other than that, im working 9-6p m-th til the end of august. chris is gone at his internship at cornell, lucky bum.  roommate's gone til mid-july.  now it's just me and the two other housemates.  i couldn't have asked for better housemates -- we get along so well.  

kevin continues to treat me like a princess; i still can't get used to it.  he's wonderful. love him. 

been reading a lot, finding escape and feeling like home.  i like blue moon and i dont like heineken.  i like pomegranate margaritas and i don't like petron.  im blessed with housemates who feel the same way.  i feel far away from home but i don't want to go back yet. 

<3

plus also i replaced my strings.  they sound like gold.  life is beautiful.

been home for less than 24 hours AND I ALREADY BROKE A STRING.  way to go.

on the upside, i finally figured out cruise control on the drive home last night. made my day.

all thats left for school is austen.  and it's a toughie.

then friday night theres college group banquet to honor seniors.. where we're performing.  HA.

singing 'simple starving to be safe' by DLD and 'lucky' by jason mraz/colbie caillait.

ugh.

CHAPEL MAKE UPS: done
PAPER: done
BRIT HIST: tmrw
FRENCH: tmrw
AUSTEN: friday

Today was wonderful; sort of.

I stayed up til 3a finishing my social inequality paper so that I could spend today and tmrw taking care of things.  I spent the bulk of the day cleaning and packing, and then started on my chapel makeups, which I'm now doing.  In the L I B R A R Y.  HELP.

TODAY:
-finish makeups.

TUES:
-study for english history and french finals

WEDS:
-10-noon: French
-12:30-2:30: Brit Hist
-clean/pack
-prayer meeting? 

THURS:
-turn in soc paper
-move stuff to the house
-study for Austen final
-date with lyndsay

FRI:
-12:30-2:30: Austen final (please don't kill me!)
-banquet

SAT:
-9a: grad
-lunch with kevin
-peace outttt.

My brother called me today and told me that he bought a plane ticket home, and he's flying in on the morning of my birthday!!  Best birthday gift :) it's gonna be so fun.  I'm thinking I want to spend the day in SF with mom and brad, shopping and going to SF MOMA, then head to dinner/drinks in the city, then somethin with Erika perhaps :D this birthday will be MUCH BETTER than last year--I'm not all depressed this year.  yyyyeah.

then I come back to la mirada in june!

<3

I'M SO TIREDDD.

dannng.  it's two weeks til finals and i'm already totally worn out.  <-- it took me three tries to get all the typos out of that sentence.  so sad. 

essays out the wahzooo.  6-page Austen paper due on Friday, 12-page Brit Hist research paper due Monday, French presentation paper due this Thursday, presentation next Thursday, archery thannng due on Wednesday, Diplomacy paper due during finals. this is what i get for being a writing emphasis.  lots of.. writing.  

how much peanut butter and jelly can you eat before its completely ridiculous?

i need to sleep.

Lately I've realized that I've been entirely too hard on myself.  Interestingly enough, my perfectionist ways have taken over -- but only on me.  i freaked out over gaining weight, i freaked out over not getting an A on the exams i took, i freaked out because i didn't have an internship over the summer, i freaked out because i made mistakes with people, i freaked out because i didn't do homework for a class, i freaked out because i didn't know where my first rent was going to come from.. none of the things i worry about actually benefit from me downing on myself.   Some of these things I could control, but once the decisions and choices have been made, it makes no sense to go back and relive them, whether they were right or not. 

More important than those other things I listed (freakouts) is the fact that these freakouts stem from something much deeper than just anxiety.  I'm sure that it means there's some kind of underlying insecurity or lack of trust in God.  But honestly, every day He helps me look at him and trust him with the issues of my day.  Even though my trust has been violated by my dad, certain guys, and some friends, his remains, and it's shown by the fact that he has promised it--that he continues to give me mercy and grace when I can't even give myself room to mess up.  I think eventually I'll come I've come to the point where I can stop beating myself up for the outcomes I can't see and the mistakes I can't predict. 

"So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom." psalm 90:12

WISDOMMMMMMMM i need wisdom.  <333

I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND.

So, I found my baby book - the little thing that the hospital in Japan gave to my parents when I was adopted, my health records - last night while rummaging around in my closet.  It has (translated) my blood type, my Japanese name, my birth mom's info, etc.  THIS IS BIG.  Til now, I didn't know any of that stuff (well, except for my name).  When I held it in my hands, turning the pages covered in Japanese, I didn't know how much its absence affected me til now.  She was 41 when she had me; her birthday is September 3.  All these things are so.. basic to most people; their parents' birthdays, ages, names, locations.  All these fundamental things I didn't know and now do.. I don't really know what to do with it except take it in.  it doesn't change anything; it just.. adds a lot.

It also made me wonder if I've followed in her footsteps at all; if any of my characteristics and choices are the same as hers.  What role does ancestry and inheritance play in our identities?  

the end

:)

<3

I thought break would never come. 

but i'm home now :) here for a week.  i plan to:

-sleep ridiculous amounts to make up for the lack of sleep from this semester.
-eat... i guess.
-frequent CRAZY SUSHIIIII
-start and finish unChristian
-finish Emma for my austen class
-come up with a topic and thesis for my research paper for AD.
-begrudgingly look over my french terms.. sigh.
-job hunt in case i have to come back for summer.
-watch Slumdog Milionaire.
-second saturday and flea markets!

and other various things :) 

the house meeting went well.  i'm pretty sure we got this!  it's a really cute LITTLE house that will be quite.. cozy.. next year.  the girls who i'm living with are wonderful.  it'll be a fun senior year.  our "landlord" is also wonderful.. one of my most favorite people.  

in other news, my austen prof was so impressed w/my paper that she asked me to be her TA for fall semester.. sophmore british lit.  that'll be fun :) and it's a really good opportunity to experience college-level teaching; maybe ill figure out if i want to pursue it in the future? :) that means a phD though, and thats a LOT of school.  we'll see.  i'm really excited!

<3

I hardly have the stamina to post anything.  So tired.. school, people, dorms, etc. tire me outtttt.  hypoglycemia's been kickin my butt.  hurt my knee running.  but life is good and the sun's still in the sky whether it shines or not :) 

plus also i've discovered boba loca's peach iced tea and it rivals my love for snapple's peach iced tea.  so good.  like a tonic.  :D

spring break's almost herrrreeeee.  after thursday at 545 i'm DONE for a week! anyone in eg?  let's hang out.  parents got me a free ticket home. i'm there from friday to friday.  call me.

things that stand in between me and spring break:
-three (3) days of classes
-english history exam on weds
-several hours worth of reading
-appointment with dr. jung and housemates regarding the lease and such.

things i will revel in during break:
-SLEEP
-time for a decent run
-half-off sushi :) 
-reading stuff that i choose: the list includes ethics by bonhoeffer and unChristian by kinnaman.
-lovin on the fam and the pets
-second saturday
-flea markettttt what up.
-glass?!

things i have to take care of during break, begrudgingly:
-austen reading
-french review
-sociology reading
-solidify the summer plans

so basically that's life in a superficial nutshell. :)